When Grief Goes Unacknowledged: Managing Disenfranchised Grief.
What do you think of when you hear the word “grief”?
What are some beliefs and expectations you have around grief?
We often think grieving occurs after the loss and death of someone we love. However, we experience grief in multiple aspects of our lives, not just in death. When our experiences of grief are not understood or spoken about by society or those around us, this leads to what is called disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief is when our experiences of grief are not validated, supported, or recognized by society and those around us due to societal norms and beliefs around grief. Sometimes called “hidden” or “silent” grief, disenfranchised grief can look like minimizing a loss, which only makes it harder to process and move through.
Society holds certain standards and expectations around the grieving process as a whole. We get influenced by films, magazines, social media, and through interactions with those around us on a daily basis which informs us of what is “normal” to grieve about and how long it is “appropriate” to grieve. However, grief is not simply so black and white. Everyone experiences emotions in different ways and grief is subjective to every individual.
At its core, grief is when we experience deep suffering and anguish caused by a sense of loss. We can lose people in life just as we can lose people to death. Some examples of disenfranchised grief can include:
Break ups/divorce
Estrangement from family
Dementia/Alzheimer disease of a loved one
Addiction of a love one
Death due to suicide
Loss of a loved one who is in prison
Death of a pet
Loss of possessions
Loss of a home/home country
Loss of safety due to abuse, death of an abuser
Infertility, miscarriages, adoptions that did not go through
Loss of mobility or health issues
Friendships ending
Moving
Unrecognized relationships (i.e. LGBTQA+ relationships that can’t be discussed because one or more partners are not out/or do not feel safe to disclose)
Gun violence
Death in the community
Loss of a community member who you may not have known directly (i.e., police brutality, Black Live Matter and Stop Asian Hate movements)
Loss of a teacher/mentor
Loss of a student/peer/colleague
Loss of a patient or client
Loss of sense of self/identity
There are potentially many more experiences of disenfranchised grief. If you are experiencing grief that is not being valued or recognized by others or considered socially acceptable, please know this is not a conclusive list and your feelings are always valid.
Disenfranchised grief is often experienced by disenfranchised people. Disenfranchised people are defined as individuals deprived of some rights, privilege, or immunity which includes individuals of different racial, ethnic, and religious communities. Some examples of this are when a young Black person is killed as a result of police brutality and violence. The grief that is experienced by the family, friends, and community may not always be legitimized by society due to racial biases and victim blaming. Another instance is when someone in the Asian American Pacific Islander (AAPI) community is attacked or killed. The grief is often not limited to that persons immediate family and friends and is often felt deeply within the AAPI community even if it may be minimized or ignored by society. Furthermore, when someone dies by suicide, is murdered, and or died by other premature death causes, it can be difficult to talk about and many people avoid discussing a traumatic event that led to a death.
The impact of disenfranchise grief can lead to feelings of sadness, despair, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, feeling withdrawn, loss of appetite, insomnia/hyposomnia, and often physical symptoms that include but are limited to: body aches, lower back pain, headaches, and gut/GI issues. Disenfranchised grief can also present itself like a diminished sense of self which can lead to relational issues, trouble focusing, mood swings, substance misuse, and depression.
You may be wondering at this point: What can we do about this? How do I navigate this?
Here is a quick guide to begin learning to navigate and advocate experiences of disenfranchised grief:
The foundation of navigating our emotions is to first practice accepting our feelings just as they are; acknowledging and accepting your feelings of grief, anger, or resentment. Anger is a natural and normal part of grief, just as sadness is. Practicing to honor the feeling instead of avoiding it can help you move through it. Dr. Gabor Mate gave an analogy in his book The Myth of Normal of how pushing down our anger is like trying to push down a beach ball in the water. We have to work really hard to keep the beach ball underneath the water, and naturally when we get tired, the ball will pop back up. Suppressing or diminishing our feelings is the same way; the more you push it down, the more energy it takes, and it will always come back up. Suppressing our emotions, whether it be grief, sadness, or anger, takes a large toll on our mental, emotional, spiritual, and physiological wellbeing. A practice to begin to validate and acknowledge your feelings can be incorporating positive affirmations into your daily life like, “I am exactly where I need to be, feeling and experiencing exactly what I need to be” as well as “my feelings are always valid.”
Next, learning to understand the needs of our emotions will help us better understand how to move through our experiences of disenfranchised grief. Some ways to do this is through checking in with your daily energy and capacity. Ask yourself, how much water is in my well today? Letting yourself imagine what percentage of water (aka capacity) you have to take on the day. Once you get a better understanding of how your capacity shifts and changes in a day, you will begin to better understand what fills or depletes your well.
Begin to explore how your feelings look and feel in your body. This can look like asking yourself the following questions. What does the feeling of grief look like in my body? Where does it live? Does it move? Does it have a certain shape, color, or size? Once you have a grasp of what the feeling looks like inside of you, try imagining yourself pull the feeling out and placing it beside you. How does it look now? How do you feel seeing it beside you? What would do you think this feeling is wanting to do? Vice versa, what are you wanting to do to the feeling? Imaging how our feelings feel and look in our body help us to also better understand what we may be needing to move with the feeling.
Seek out social support. This may sound counterproductive due to the fact that disenfranchised grief exists because of the lack of acknowledgement of grief in our environment and by society. However, practicing to validate your own emotions and building a sense of confidence in knowing your own needs will be the foundation to begin advocating for yourself in your relationships. This may be creating more intentional and mindful boundaries within your relationships regarding how your experiences are spoken about and/or treated. Seeking out social support can also be looking into support groups for your experiences of loss.
Seek professional mental health support. If you found it difficult to take these steps above on your own, it may be time to seek out other forms of support. A mental health profession who specializes in grief work can provide a safe place for you to navigate experiences of disenfranchised grief.
I often tell people that we grieve to the extent to which we love and care. Grief itself is something that will change and shift over time. However, in a lot of ways, our grief gets integrated into our daily lives. No matter what kind of loss it is that you experienced, your feelings are always valid and you deserve to feel seen, heard, and held in a safe space.
- Written by Monique Ngo, LMFT
