Healing From Religious Perfectionism
Perfectionism. You may have used the term “perfectionist” to label someone (or yourself) who is “type A”, highly organized, and who needs to look perfect and be successful. While some of these descriptors can be true, they don’t encapsulate the root issue of what leads to perfectionism, including religious perfectionism, which we’ll discuss later in this post.
Brene Brown describes perfectionism so well in her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection” in this way, “perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
It’s a shield…
Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports.) And somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it.”
Brown describes that the impact of the toxic perfectionism leads to a harmful cycle of being held to impossibly high standards, inevitably “messing up” or falling short of these standards, feeling crushed by shame and self-doubt, then trying to pick up the pieces and do it all over again.
This cycle can keep us paralyzed in fear with the desire to control ourselves and our environment to avoid being less than perfect. When we are so afraid of “messing up,” we do not feel comfortable to act or trust our own thoughts and feelings, which eventually leads to making more mistakes and feeling worse about not “doing enough.”
So, how does this toxic perfectionism become religious perfectionism?
Those who have experienced religious trauma (or any form of trauma) may develop behaviors that can feed right into religious perfectionism. Here’s how:
Religious institutions and communities often have rigid rules, expectations, and guidelines to follow for living a “good life” to please their God, which can create a structure where toxic perfectionism can thrive. For example, if one hears that God is pleased by “x, y, and z”, they may put forth immense effort to complete those tasks and gain affirmation, validation, by God and/or religious leaders, even if those tasks cause them harm.
The threat of disappointing people and God can be a terrible feeling for someone who worries they are “not enough.” Survivors of religious trauma often blame themselves for the traumatic event(s), carry an excessively negatively view of themselves, and have immense difficulty in trusting themselves.
The hope of being perfect, pleasing God, and receiving praise from religious leaders is intoxicating to those who were perhaps not given love and affection from parents, loved ones, or religious leaders, which may cause survivors to be manipulated into thinking that they need to be perfect, so they are not ostracized from the group, the community, and their identity.
While not all religious institutions have explicit perfectionism as the standard, “high demand” religions – religious institutions that have very specific expectations, tasks, spiritual disciplines, and “paths” for their congregants to follow – hold congregants to standards which do not allow for deviation in belief, sexuality, gender identity, or personal preferences. Additionally, many religious institutions have standards for following spiritual disciplines and avoiding “sinning,” as well as a wide variety of consequences for behavior that are considered “sinful.” These consequences can be anything from required steps to confess and be forgiven, to public shaming, to excommunication/shunning from the community. This can lead others into taking steps to avoid “messing up” or at least to never share those “mess ups” with anyone in the religious community.
Signs of Religious Perfectionism:
You constantly feel guilt or feel the need to feel guilty about something.
You often struggle with thoughts like, “I am not enough.” “I need to be doing more.” “There is something wrong with me.” “God is not happy with me.”
You feel the need to pray more, serve more, give more, think of God more, yet still feel like you are not doing enough to please God.
You feel ashamed of your thoughts and behaviors, even when others tell you that you have done nothing wrong.
Whenever you make a small mistake, error, or wrongdoing, you feel the need to punish yourself or receive punishment far and above the transgression.
You blame yourself, even when there is evidence that someone else is in the wrong/wronged you.
Even when you do “everything right” you continue to feel that you are not good enough.
What can we do about it? How can we escape the cycle of Religious Perfectionism? Here are some tips that may help:
Acknowledge that you are in the cycle. Name the cycle and accept the negative impact it has on you.
Practice pausing your thoughts and actions at any point in the cycle and use self-compassionate language instead. Try these:
“I am doing the best I can with the tools I have.”
“I am enough and am doing the best that I can.”
“If someone else was in my position, how would I speak to them about their actions?”
“I am feeling tired and burnt out. What if I took a 15-minute break and practiced a self-care activity here?”
“I deserve and require love, fun, and rest in my life.”
Share your experience with a safe and supportive person in your life. Perhaps someone who you have seen practice compassion for others or themself.
Ask yourself, “is holding myself to these expectations getting me the results I want? Am I happier, more fulfilled, healthier, and more effective in my work/relationships/goals because of these expectations?” If the answer to any of those is “no,” it is time to try a different approach!
Practice restorative rest and self-care. Religious perfectionism tells you that you must keep going and keep giving. But this is a cycle to burn out and self-destruction. You’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again, you cannot give from an empty cup.
If you remain in your religious community, you can still work toward healing this cycle, but you will need to practice healthy boundaries against others who may be perfectionists themselves, and who might be perpetuating religious perfectionism in the community.
Seek professional help for religious trauma recovery and healing. This is essential in helping you to breaking free of religious perfectionism and healing from trauma.
It is my hope that you will find freedom from toxic perfectionism and religious trauma. However, know that trauma recovery and recovery from perfectionism will be a journey full of hard work and dedication. If you are willing to take any steps to heal from this issue, I encourage you to give yourself a lot of grace and compassion. You are enough. I wish you well on your recovery journey!
Written by Caitlin Moretz, LICSW
