“The Four Horseman” In Relationships
All humans have different experiences, values, beliefs, histories, and styles of communication. When we come together in relationships and we blend those differences, which sometimes leads to conflict. All relationships include some kind of conflict. Conflict is unavoidable and attempting to avoid conflict usually just makes it worse.
In fact, learning to manage conflict is one of the best predictors for healthy and meaningful relationships and effective resolution leads to deepening in our relationships.
Therefore, conflict isn’t all that bad. Uncomfortable, yes, but not bad.
However, some behaviors in conflict can be very damaging to our relationships.
Gottman’s Couples Therapy termed Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which are important conflict behaviors that can be damaging to our relationships:
Criticism is being critical of your partner’s character, values, and beliefs.
Contempt is treating your partner with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, eye-rolling, or scoffing.
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism and it happens when we feel unjustly accused and need to defend our character, value, and beliefs.
Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt and it happens when you, your partner, or both withdraw from the conversation, shut down, or stop responding.
The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” lead couples to feeling rejected, unwanted, unheard, hurt, and even unloved, which can be very damaging to the relationship.
Do you use these behaviors during conflict with your partner?
If so, here are 5 ways to manage conflict with your partner:
Listen and understand your partner’s point of view. Practice listening and validating how your partner feels about what happened during a conflict, without judging or trying to solve the problem. Know that it is ok to ask your partner questions while they are sharing, to paint a picture of how they are truly feeling. Try validating their feelings by reflecting back what they are sharing with you, such as “I can see this was frustrating for you because you felt unheard.”
Use “I” statements. Using “I” statements can help reduce your partner’s defensiveness by eliminating blaming, criticism, or contempt by sharing your concerns from your own perspective and how it impacted you. An example of this could be, “ I felt hurt when my schedule was not considered. I need my schedule to be considered when making a decision.”
Directly share your feelings, needs, and wants. When using “I” statements, clearly and directly label your feelings, needs, and wants. Conflict can sometimes lead us to blame our partner for the conflict and not state how it impacted our feelings, needs, and wants. Directly labeling your feelings, needs, and wants using “I” statements reduces blaming and makes your needs and feels clear. Try, “I felt left out of our talk tonight and I need to be included in the conversation. Can we please talk about what happened during my day?”
Take time for self-soothing. Conflict can often lead to feeling overwhelmed. When this happens, ask your partner if you can take a break to self-soothe. Try, “I want to continue this conversation, but am feeling overwhelmed right now, I am going to take a 5-minute break to do some self-soothing.” Make sure to express your interest and intent to come back to the conversation after you have calmed down.
Take responsibility. After listening and validating each other, hold yourself accountable by acknowledging the role you played in the conflict, express regrets, and apologize for your actions. Try, “I need to consider your schedule more when scheduling something, I apologize.”
By Raelynn Johnston, LMFTA
