Embracing Imperfection: Getting Unstuck FromThe Cycle Of Perfectionism
The dictionary defines a perfectionist as: a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. As a recovering perfectionist, I can say that I was never a fan of that label. Even though I personally fit the definition of the word, I felt like no one understood what it meant and just how complex perfectionism is.
I have been on a long journey of untangling the mess of perfectionism, but now I can finally feel the freedom from its release.
Over the last several years, I started seeing perfectionism coming up a lot with clients and I came to realize that many people struggle with this vicious cycle. So, if this is you, please know that you are not alone. Perfectionism may look different from person to person, but the pattern and cycle is similar.
Let’s dive into 3 common causes of perfectionism:
A person’s upbringing: Some people struggle with perfectionism as an adult because of the high standards that were expected of them as a child. This could have been in the area of academics, sports, music, or anything that a child could achieve greatness in, but we also see this in the behavior of children who were in highly stressful situations and/or traumatized by their caregivers. A child that is being emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually abused or neglected may learn to use perfectionistic behaviors as a means for safety by controlling their environment as much as they can by:
Learning over time to be avoid mistakes or clean up mistakes quickly and quietly
Accepting blame and even self-blaming
Practicing being as small as possible and getting out of harm’s way
Caregiving to others (including other adults or even their abusers)
Reading the signs and triggers for danger and doing everything they can to prevent more stress or abuse from happening
Working towards high achievement to receive love and affection from others, as well as boost their feelings of self-worth
Culture: I can’t speak for all cultures, but I definitely know that American culture is a breeding ground for perfectionism. The constant push to do more, be more, achieve more is so prevalent, and it can be suffocating. There’s a reason why the term “workaholic” is used so often to describe Americans. We have set the standard of success so high in our culture, that we are literally addicted to doing whatever it takes to reach it. And sadly, success is typically referring to our social and financial status. It is also important to note that perfectionism has a strong link to Racism and White Supremacy in America, due to the unreasonable standards of people in power with the most privilege. Perfectionism is ingrained in American institutions and systems, whether overt or covert, and is often the vehicle for discrimination and oppression for People Of Color.
Messages we have internalized: The messages we are fed through our early development and through our culture, can be internalized and assimilated into our inner thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and general view of the world. These beliefs and thoughts may be so deeply rooted, we end up holding ourselves to impossibly high standards. Perfectionists are often so hard on themselves, but wouldn’t expect the same standard from anyone else. So why do we expect that we can achieve this level of perfect?
What keeps people in this Perfectionism Cycle?
I think we can all agree that part of being human is coming to terms with the fact that we are imperfect. However, imperfection is difficult to accept. We are all striving for greatness, trying to improve ourselves and be ‘better’ all of the time (whatever that means), but there is a big difference between wanting to try our hardest and achieve great things and being paralyzed by the unrealistic standard of perfection. What keeps us stuck in the cycle is shame and judgment, which often sounds like, “if you don’t achieve this _______________ (high standard), then you are___________________ (Worthless. Unlovable. A failure.)”
I’ve heard all of these shaming statements and more and I am here to tell you that perfectionism is a liar. You are more than your achievements, your awards, your position at work, and your socioeconomic status. You are inherently worthy. No matter what.
So, how do we work towards ending the Perfectionism Cycle?
Here are 4 simple practices that can help manage perfectionism:
Embrace and incorporate more play and rest into your life: Both of these practices are greatly overlooked even though they have numerous benefits, including reducing stress and anxiety, increasing creativity and joy, stimulating the mind and improving brain functioning, increasing energy and motivation, and improving interpersonal relationships. In addition, play and rest are a sort of rebellion or dissent from the rule following that is inhered in perfectionism and other systems of oppression.
Practice mindfulness. Being in the present moment without judging oneself can help to calm the mind, reduce stress, and build self-trust. Start by finding a moment of stillness. Connect with your breath. Place one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest. Notice your belly rise as you breathe in and notice your belly fall as you breathe out. Take a full deep inhale through your nose. Pause, then begin to slowly breathe out your nose. Pause, completely emptying out all the air from your belly.
Cultivate Authenticity. Coming to terms with and embracing our imperfections can help us live more authentically. When we are able to accept that we cannot uphold the impossible standards of perfection, we experience the freedom to be ourselves and express ourselves openly and honestly.
Practice Self-Compassion. Give yourself the loving kindness you deserve. Having a regular practice of self-compassion and self-love will cultivate soothing, relaxation, and a general sense of wellbeing. Start by offering yourself kind and supportive words, such as, “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be peaceful. May I be at ease.” Next, work on accepting your mistakes or shortcomings, such as “I am doing the best that I can. I am good enough just as I am. I am not alone in this pain. I deserve kindness too.”
I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Brene Brown:
“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much left is undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, “Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.””
by Audrey Watson, LMFT
