Reparenting Your Inner Child

Mental Health TreatmentSelf-CareRelationships

Oct 25

“The cry we hear from deep in our hearts, comes from the wounded child within. Healing this inner child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, and fear. ”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

If you have found this post, you may be searching for insight or guidance in understanding your inner child. You may be wondering, “what is an inner child? What does reparenting your inner child mean?” Maybe you’re thinking, “this is weird, I’m an adult, why would I need to reparent anything!?”

In this post, we will look at inner child work and reparenting your inner child through two different theories: Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Biocognitive Theory. Along the way, you may see themes and overlap in each approach. Towards the end, we’ll look at how reparenting your inner child can positively impact your approach to healing and recovery.

Internal Family Systems:

IFS was developed by Richard Schwartz in the early 1990’s. It has become an increasingly more popular therapy approach to treating individuals and families. One of the main components of IFS and inner child work is the idea that we all have younger “parts” within us. As we grow and develop, our younger selves don’t disappear along the journey. As adults, when we feel triggered and can’t understand why, it’s likely stemming from childhood wounding. We replay responses to experiences from childhood in unconscious ways. Often acting or reacting from a place of unconscious wounding. Our bodies and our inner child is replaying ways to seek safety.

IFS describes a person as having multiple “parts.” We have parts that harbor pain (exiles); parts that exhibit “normal” functioning (managers); and parts that respond to imminent threats (firefighters).

Inner child work within the IFS model is described as “shadow work.” This is where reparenting your inner child begins. Shadow work is intentionally going to “exiled” parts, retrieving those parts, and bringing them to present time.

I often envision this as standing above a well, lowering a bucket towards the darkness, and slowing bringing that bucket up towards the light. Your shadow is the part/parts that you’ve hidden or suppressed deep within yourself because they carry pain/hurt. This is often where your inner child is hiding as well. To heal the shadow, reparenting needs to take place. This is the fun part, where the work begins!

Reparenting can be thought of as a process of connecting, understanding, and healing your inner child.

As quoted through IFS literature, “all adults were children at one time. Those children within us don’t simply disappear as we grow older.” Sometimes our inner child gets activated when we’re triggered, a traumatic memory can surface, and reaction follows. Our inner child is running the show if we aren’t careful.

Let’s look at some examples of when your inner child could be activated or at play (“running the show”)….

Let’s say you’re having an argument with your partner. Your partner disagrees with how you’re folding the laundry, and you notice yourself getting flustered and angry. Instead of voicing your distress, you throw the clothes on the floor, yell, and think “I mess up everything, why can’t I do anything right?” Your entire day seems to be derailed by this experience.

While this may seem like a typical Sunday, it may be an example of your inner child running the show.

Now, let’s think about what reparenting your inner child through that experience would look like….

Instead of throwing clothes, yelling, and escalating emotionally, pause and check in with your body. Moments of heightened reactivity can often be clues that something is historical (inner child wounding). We often see strong reactivity play out in relationships, because relationships often trigger and mimic dynamics from childhood.

This is the time to ask yourself (and your inner child), what is happening in our body? What is this reminding us of? What do we need right now to feel safe?

These questions are posed to help you identify what part is activated and needs soothing. Your inner child may be feeling judged, shamed, alone, or betrayed. Once you identify the activated part (wounded part), reparenting can take place.

Biocognitive Approach:

Biocognitive theory was developed by Dr. Mario Martinez in 1998. The theory suggests that cognition and biology merge with cultural history in a “bio-informational field that seeks maximum contextual relevance.” Dr. Martinez suggests that we each can have three archetypal wounds: abandonment, shame, and betrayal. Each wound has a cause, somatic property, and counter (healing property). From an inner child lens, reparenting takes place by healing these activated wounds.

Abandonment Wounding: creates a fear sensation in the body and can often feel cold because adrenaline is high. This wounding can elicit a fight or flight response. Abandonment can be caused by experiences of physical/emotional abandonment; neglect; being ignored; being left behind; dismissal; parentification; and lack of support. The counter (healing property) to abandonment is commitment.
- Let’s look at how this can play out in reparenting. For example, your partner decides to go to the movies with his friends and doesn’t invite you. You have a reaction, an experience of immense fear of abandonment. Reparenting your inner child (healing the wound) could look like, “I am here for you, I will not abandon you.” Commit to making yourself a priority, maybe this looks like voicing your needs and boundaries to your partner. Trust the needs of your inner child, commit to taking care of yourself.
Shame Wounding: creates a hopelessness and heat sensation in the body. You may feel intense heat flood your body, accompanied by humiliation. This wounding can be caused by a childhood history of ridicule; criticism; blame; judgment; and bullying. The counter (healing property) to shame is honor.
- Reparenting your inner child while experiencing shame could take many forms. For example, you may be feeling ashamed for making a mistake at work. You feel heat in your body, as well as humiliation. A way to reparent your inner child is by sitting with the emotion without suppression. Honor the emotion and speak to your inner child with compassion. An example could be, “it’s okay that we made a mistake, we will correct it and it will be okay.” Identify what you need to do to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. What would help you feel safe and soothed in your body?
Betrayal Wounding: creates a feeling of frustration in the body. An experience of fight or flight can also accompany betrayal because of the adrenaline and cortisol in the body. One can feel hot and angry. A betrayal wound can be caused by trust being broken; caregivers not following through with commitments/promises; being talked to with cruelty; abuse; someone not taking responsibility. The counter to betrayal would be loyalty/value.
- An example of reparenting your inner child through betrayal: you feel betrayed because someone you love deeply has decided they don’t want a relationship with you. You feel panic rush through your body, and a deep sense of frustration, possibly confusion. Focus on validating your feelings and whole experience. Acknowledge what you did well, maybe even identify the strengths and the abilities you possess. Acknowledge the self-neglect that could have transpired between you and your inner child. Did you neglect your inner child’s needs to pursue a relationship? Create and visualize the boundaries you need, and the life you want to be living.

Here are 4 ways to reparent your inner child:

Communicate with your inner child. Maybe you have an image of yourself from childhood, a dress, or pair of shoes you loved to wear. Maybe you picture the smaller features you once had, the wonder you had for surroundings. Begin to communicate with that part of yourself, asking basic questions. Examples could be, “how have you felt all this time? What do you like? What do you enjoy eating? What’s your favorite movie or book? What do you need from me?
Begin writing to your inner child. This is often done by switching hands, begin with your dominate hand (adult) asking your inner child a question. Allow your inner child to respond with your non-dominant hand. Sometimes using different colored markers or pens can be helpful in this process. If this practice is difficult for you, many inner child workbooks are available to aid in this process.
Recreate an experience. Maybe you had an experience in childhood where you weren’t parented with love, or your needs were not met. Recreate that experience, but this time, you step into the parent role and give yourself what you needed then. Ask your inner child, “what do you need from me? What would help you feel heard and feel safe? An example could be, taking yourself to get ice cream after a doctor’s visit. Maybe a visit to the doctor left you scared and alone; recreate the experience by reparenting the scenario.
Find a therapist! If you have a therapist, great! This can be another approach to deepen your trauma healing and recovery. Healing your inner child and reparenting that inner child will lead to a connected self, and integrated self, and a sense of being whole despite the difficulty you may encounter in life.