How To Break Codependent Habits
Codependency is a term used to describe an imbalanced relationship dynamic in which one becomes overly dependent on their loved one to meet their mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. While this type of relationship is NOT mutually beneficial, it’s important to note that each partner plays an important role in this dynamic.
Let me explain a little more…..
One partner can be viewed as the “giver,” who sacrifices their own needs and well-being to enable or support their partner. This partner can be viewed as the “taker,” who is overly dependent on the “giver” to provide, support, and help the “taker” meet their needs.
A codependent relationship can have many negative impacts on each of the partners and the couple as a whole. Let’s explore this more with a few examples…
Let’s say Cameron is a “giver” who does not attend to her own needs, feelings, and values, because she puts her husband's (the “taker”) needs before her own. Cameron feels she lost her sense of self and feels resentful toward her husband, but focuses on her husband’s needs to avoid the relationship ending. Her husband depends on Cameron and wants her to continuously meet his needs, as he lacks the tools and practice to meet his own needs.
Or, take the example of Joe…. Joe (the “giver”) is offered his dream job in another state. However, Joe chooses to stay at his current job so that she can continue to take care of his mother (the “taker”). Joe’s mother isn’t sick, but she is aging and needs help with errands and housework from time to time. She often comments to Joe that she feels lonely and asks Joe to come and visit her daily. Joe loves his mother and wants to support her, but sometimes feels like he cannot say “no” to her many requests. Joe knows that his mother believes that family should always be close by and would feel very disappointed if Joe moved away. Joe would like to put his needs and career goals first, but doesn't want to upset his mother.
Another example is Melissa…. Melissa (the “giver”) is working for her employer Bob (the “taker”), who expects her to work 50 hours a week or more, including completing all of his unfinished tasks. Melissa makes herself available to Bob anytime he asks and even calls her on nights and weekends after she has ended her workday. Melissa feels that she is stuck at her current job and is losing her sense of self because she is no longer taking care of her needs, has no boundaries at work, and feels guilty if the work is not done.
Hopefully, this is starting to make sense, and maybe you even recognize this dynamic in some of your own relationships. But, why should we care? Just like in the examples above, there are consequences of codependent relationships. Both parties may feel stuck and start to build resentment. The relationship can lead to either person in the relationship losing their sense of self, feeling neglected, and reduced self-esteem.
Here are 5 signs of a codependent relationship:
People Pleasing: If you have a strong urge to keep your loved one happy, and go above and beyond to do whatever you can to make them happy, you may be struggling with People Pleasing, which is a sure sign of codependency.
Lack of Boundaries: Boundaries are safeguards to ensure mutual respect and health of your relationship and each partner in the relationship. Therefore, poor boundaries is a sure sign of codependency and many people in codependent relationships have problems recognizing, respecting, and reinforcing boundaries.
Caretaking: One major sign of codependent habits is you may feel the relationship is one-sided with one party taking care of the other a majority of the time. If you are the “giver”, you may want to take care of the other person to avoid conflict. You may spend more of your time taking care of others than taking care of yourself. When you do take care of yourself, you may find yourself feeling guilty or selfish.
Imbalanced Communication: In a codependent relationship communication can become imbalanced as one partner’s thoughts, feelings, and needs take priority in the relationship. Imbalance of communication in a codependent relationship may include criticism, ultimatums, nagging, or giving unsolicited advice to control or fix the relationship dynamic.
Dependency: In a codependent relationship both individuals depend on each other; one person relies on the care of the other (the “given) and the other person needs validation to create a sense of purpose (the “taker”). In a codependent relationship, individuals may stay in the relationship dynamic even after experiencing hurt (physical, emotional, or financial).
Ready to make a change?
Here are 4 important ways to break codependent habits:
Understanding Yourself: the first step in your journey to break codependent habits shifting your focus from others to yourself so you can get to know your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Through this work you begin to practice self-compassion, prioritizing your physical and emotional needs, work to meet your own needs, and learn more about how and why codependency shows up in your relationships.
Understanding Your Values and Needs: Instead of focusing so much on others' needs, consider your own needs and make them a priority. Your needs are just as important as anyone else. Start by asking yourself, “what would make me happy? Do I have a different value from the other person and what is it? What is important to me? What can I do that will empower myself?”
Creating and Reinforcing Boundaries: A boundary is a rule that creates a healthy separation (physical or emotional) between you and others and they are absolutely essential to healthy relationships. Once you identify a boundary, set an action you will take to hold yourself accountable to the boundary.
Assertive Communication: After identifying your boundaries, it is important to communicate them to any individual who may be impacted, as well as to make a plan for how you will uphold and follow through with your boundaries. Try using “I Statements” when communicating your boundary to others, such as “I would like you to _______________.” or “I am not ok with _____________.”
Remember, depending on others is normal and necessary for survival. The goal is to cultivate relationships that are interdependent, which is a state of mutual support and care that allows for a balanced system of needs being met by all individuals in the relationship.
Written by Raelynn Johnston, LMFTA
