Can’t Get Rid Of Your Anxiety? Try Accepting Anxiety Instead.
Unpopular Fact: Anxiety Serves A Purpose
With the overwhelming sensations that anxiety can bring on- you know the feeling, the one where your chest starts to feel all tight, your heart picks up speed like it’s sprinting a 50 yard dash, and your muscles become ever so uncomfortably tense- it’s no wonder that many of us are looking for ways to “get rid of anxiety.” The tricky thing is we actually need anxiety to survive as humans. Anxiety can serve as a way to keep us safe, as it signals alarm bells to our body that help us avoid or get out of life-threatening situations. The feeling of anxiety can also serve as a tool that helps motivate us to accomplish things that we care about in life. For some of us though, our body regularly rings those anxiety alarms in situations that aren’t necessarily life-threatening throughout the day. Therefore, it makes sense that we find ourselves googling “How to get rid of my anxiety” or have started therapy with the initial hopes of saying goodbye to anxiety altogether. However, since the feeling of anxiety is a part of this whole human experience thing we are all embarking on, what if we gave ourselves a break from working so darn hard to get rid of anxiety, and instead focused on how we could relate to the feeling of anxiety in a different way?
What do you mean by “acceptance”?
Acceptance often gets a bad rap due to a misunderstanding of what it actually means in practice. It’s common for us to think that accepting something means that we have to like it, or approve of what’s going down. Or that by accepting something, it means that we are choosing to admit defeat and do nothing about a situation. However, that’s not what the idea of accepting anxiety actually means. As described by Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness:
“Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed (p.407) ”
What does “accepting anxiety” mean and why wouldn’t I just focus on getting rid of it?
Hard pill to swallow alert... We are going to experience anxiety as humans, and we have the choice to accept that reality or to work tirelessly to do everything we can to resist that truth.
When we work hard to resist that truth, such as avoiding things that cause us anxiety, we can end up missing out on living the lives we want to live. Furthermore, when we try to resist our anxiety by avoiding things, we might feel temporary relief in the moment, but the anxiety actually only continues to build and can come on stronger than before.
Let’s say socializing with new people creates a lot of anxiety for Sarah (great name if I do say so myself). Sarah decides that she is going to resist her anxiety by avoiding a work happy hour, which is being hosted by her company to help people from different departments connect with one another. Yes, avoiding going to the event might be a good way to not “feel anxious” in the moment, however it comes with quite a few costs.
For starters, Sarah might miss out on engaging in an event that helps her move in the direction of something she really values and wants to prioritize in life. One example might be if Sarah holds a value of career development, in which she’s now passed up an opportunity to build relationships with potential career mentors at the happy hour. Secondly, Sarah is also passing up an opportunity to practice social skills, get more swings at bat if you will, which in turn creates even more anxiety the next time she is in a situation where she has to socialize with new people.
When we meet our anxiety with resistance, such as telling ourselves “don’t think about that thing that makes you anxious,” it only throws fuel on the fire. For example, as you’re reading this, I wonder what would happen if I tell you NOT to think about an orange. Chances are you’re now thinking about an orange. The same thing happens with our anxious thoughts. If we tell ourselves to NOT think about whatever is making us anxious, in an attempt to push our anxiety away, we oftentimes find our brain stuck on the same thought that is only further increasing the level of anxiety we feel in our bodies.
So what does accepting anxiety actually mean? It means recognizing that in this present moment we are experiencing a feeling of anxiety. As uncomfortable as it might be, we aren’t going to try to push it away and we aren’t going to avoid it. Instead we are going to name that it is happening, and learn how to support ourselves while we tolerate the experience in the present moment. Accepting anxiety not only decreases the additional level of suffering we are adding to the experience of anxiety, but it can also allow us to take back the power from being at the mercy of our anxiety, so that we can engage in the things that matter most to us in our lives.
Tips for Accepting Anxiety:
Observe and name/label the physical sensations as they happen, without judgment:
For example, when you start to notice yourself jumping into your thoughts when you become anxious, try shifting your focus to the actual sensations you feel. Oftentimes when we allow ourselves to keep our attention on the actual sensations, the sensations can begin to dissipate, as we are preventing ourselves from engaging in worrying thoughts that keep us locked in the anxiety loop. You can observe the tightness in your chest, and instead of labeling it as “bad,” try giving it a shape or a color as you stay with it and observe it shift overtime in the present moment.
Give your anxious thoughts a name or visual representation:
This can look like giving the thoughts you experience when feeling anxious a name that resonates with you, such as “Anxiety Brain.” If visuals are your thing, you can even represent these thoughts through an image. When you notice the thoughts coming up, try just addressing them as “Anxiety Brain is here right now.” This helps us with accepting anxiety in the moment vs. getting caught in the crossfires of resisting it, while also creating some distance between ourselves and the thoughts we are experiencing so we aren’t so stuck in them as they occur.
Meet your anxious thoughts with self-compassion and use what you value to empower you during moments of anxiety:
When you notice yourself meeting your anxiety with thoughts such as, “I wish I could change this or why does this have to be happening to me right now,” try a quick reframe to offer yourself compassion. This could sound something like “I am experiencing anxiety right now. I’m struggling, it’s okay to feel this way.” It can also be incredibly powerful to have a clear understanding of the things you value most in life, as these help you acknowledge your anxiety and choose to continue on the path (despite any anxiety you may be feeling), because the task at hand aligns with what we really care about.
Find ways to help yourself soothe while accepting anxiety:
By no means am I suggesting that meeting the physical sensations of anxiety with acceptance is easy, fun or comfortable by any stretch of the imagination. However, we can learn different ways that help our unique bodies feel soothed while we are accepting anxiety is here in the moment. A great place to start is exploring your five senses. Maybe there is a certain scent that helps your body feel soothed, or maybe a warm cup of tea brings you a sense of comfort while accepting anxiety.
Practice grounding skills to help you connect to the present moment:
When we experience anxiety we can easily lose touch with what is actually occurring in the present moment. Therefore we want to be able to have tools to reorient ourselves to the present moment at hand, in order to cue to our bodies that we are not actually in a life threatening situation. It can be helpful to start by shifting your attention to your breath and practicing breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 4 seconds, and then breathing out for 6 seconds. As you feel your breath begin to slow, look around the room to notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Practice turning towards your feelings of anxiety through journaling:
You can also practice accepting anxiety by getting really curious with the part of yourself that is feeling anxious in the moment. Try visualizing the part of yourself that is feels really anxious and meeting that part with curiosity and compassion. Try asking this anxious part of yourself what it might be trying to communicate, and what it might be needing from you right now. Further, try exploring ways that you can show this anxious part of yourself compassion, such as giving yourself a hug or placing your hand on your heart while reminding this part of yourself that you are here to keep it safe and to meet its needs.
By Sarah Gootee, LMHCA & LMFTA
